the wife of a brother of a man who knows my friend.  She swears it’s true—

a woman in Arizona visited so many tanning salons she microwaved her muscles.  This happened the same week that a twenty-seven foot saguaro shot at by her boyfriend toppled over onto him.  He would have died anyway from rattlesnake fangs embedded in the heel of his new boots, after he stomped on a snake looking for milk that had just come from slithering down a sleeping baby’s throat.  When the saguaro fell, it fanned a campfire that spread through the desert.  A firefighting plane that scooped water from nearby lakes dumped its cargo, including scuba diver, onto the flames. 

In this region, tarantulas hang out in yucca plants from Ikea.  Coral snakes lurk in the lettuce bin.  Better this than to be where it’s so cold that, if you don’t wear a hat outside, there’s a chance your brain might freeze.