Jeff Walker

Once my heart initiated a war against a minor country.  Really just a border skirmish.  A police action.  Sabre rattling.  But it worried me.

Once my heart detonated a homemade bomb that it learned how to build from the Internet.  You must have read about this.

I learned, too late, that my heart was a navigational beacon for invading extraterrestrials.  Sadly, it betrayed the same world that once had celebrated it. 

My heart began to create extra hearts at various places on my body, and then outside my body. 

I began to fear my heart might endanger its host. 

One morning, after brokering the merger of two utilities companies, my heart quietly assumed the duties of my lungs and spleen.  Again, I worried.

I sought help.  Professional arbitration.  Faith healing.  Recently-declassified defense technology.  “Smart” drugs.  All no good.

The end, finally, was ugly and predictable.  It was big--almost too big to wrestle into the trunk of a rented car.  I know you read about this.