right hand pointing

Instructions on the Magic Acorn You Found Last Tuesday

 
1. Do not attempt to wish upon the magic acorn. Rather, attempt to divest yourself of all longing. The magic acorn will not grant wishes. This is how you know it is magic.

2. Do not show off the magic acorn. The magic acorn is not a nickel you found in the laundry, or your father's porno stash. Also, do not attempt to trade the acorn to your buddies for candy or cigarettes. The magic acorn has no intrinsic market value.

3. The magic acorn is to be savored. Do not squander all feelings of joy, expectation, or security in a mad dash eruption of dancing and exultation. Rather, ponder how it was that you alone came upon the magic acorn, and how best it can serve not only yourself, but those to whom you owe money and favor.

4. The magic acorn will not make you invisible, though it can be a stylish fashion accessory.

5. The magic acorn is no substitute for hard work and careful planning. 

6. The magic acorn can replace companionship, but it can not replace sex.

7. The magic acorn is not tax deductible.

8. In times of need, a meager paste can be made by grinding the magic acorn against a stone, and when added to water, can be baked into a surprisingly palatable bread.

9. The magic acorn will not bring back your feelings of self worth.

10. If used improperly, the magic acorn will remove itself from your ownership. Once the magic acorn has been lost, it can never be found again.